Life Series: In For the Long Haul
For two decades of my life, I’ve been living a mobile lifestyle — growing and developing my feelings, thoughts and identity while moving around. Now, I’m in the US, and will be here for 4 years to obtain my bachelor degree.
I was never in the same place for long, not since I turned 15, but even before that, in Cambodia, I was always travelling too…but now what? I’ll be in a liberal arts institute for at least 4 years in a small town in literally the middle of the US.
Before College
While in Cambodia, my parents always took me around the country to several different provinces and cities because of our family business. Then, I moved to Bangkok, Thailand alone to study at a boarding school for about a year. I was 15 by then, and everything was going great! I was going to stay for a while but I stumbled upon this great scholarship opportunity in Japan, and well, I applied and got it. So I moved to Japan to pursue the last two years of my high school education.
After that, I wasn’t done with moving around, no, I took it up a notch. I decided to take a gap year in which for the first few months, I lived on a moving ship, taking college courses and visiting 11 countries. The rest of it, I spent back in Cambodia, reconciling with family and reestablishing my connections to the country while working as an arts/culture content creator. It was in the social start up and tech industry, and so that meant hustling, not your 9–5 job. At one point, I was burnt out for — not one day, or one week but 1 month. This is because for a whole month prior to that, I had to travel to several different places to do several different jobs. I was exhausted but I liked it like that…wait, scratch that, I was addicted to it. Travel, work, burn out — Repeat. It was 5–6 months of that.
Next thing? the US for college.
Coming to College
That was like 8 months ago in early September. Now, it’s almost the end of my first year at Carleton College. In my 4 years here, I will be at the college campus most of my time, and I will be buried in academics and all sorts of things. It would be different, I would actually have to settle for a while.
Why is this different than being in Cambodia, Thailand or Japan ? I spent 15 years of my life in Cambodia, and in Thailand and Japan, I was in boarding schools…isn’t this a similar situation?
No, in Cambodia, I was in primary school and even if I wanted, I couldn’t travel around, I was really young. In Thailand, I was at the heart of Bangkok, and everything was cheap and easy to access. In Japan, the school was isolated but it was located in a town close to Tokyo, and it had many beautiful sites. Also, I was able to travel a lot because the public transport system was easy to access and it was a very safe country. It was a country rich in heritage and culture — there were so many things to be stimulated by.
Here in the US, if you don’t have a car, you’re pretty much stuck in one place. Yeah, there’s buses, trains and other ways such as Uber, Lyft…etc but everything felt like they were designed to be big, far apart and easy access only by a vehicle. Picture this: wide highways taking you directly to the place you need to be, no pavements to walk on unless you’re in downtown area of cities or towns, huge interconnected buildings, department stores, and complexes everywhere. The United States is an industrialized and individualistic country and my thoughts? The infrastructures are designed to reflect that too.
So yes, I will be pretty immobile for a pretty big chunk of time.
The hectic and mobile lifestyle made it easy for me to meet a lot of people from many different backgrounds, to gain many valuable experiences and memories that has been and will aid me heavily in social and academic settings. I was highly stimulated, that was the norm and everything felt extraordinary. A young Cambodian girl who travels all around from Asia to Africa on her own, obtaining unique education opportunities, building connections and her career, gaining all these valuable experiences. My life as I had lived went beyond my expectations, and imagination. It felt surreal and I had to process that as the norm for several years. I used to think and say, “Wow, I cannot settle. Never. I can’t imagine doing something like that, what’s the meaning of my life then?!”
However, that felt like years ago. I came to college in September and everything was exciting for sure, after 5 months in Cambodia and nearby countries, I was in a completely different place again. I was highly stimulated and couldn’t wait to meet all these amazing people, gain all the knowledge and experiences. You know…the usual.
Little did I know, it would not be the same. It felt like that for a while though, I was making meaningful new memories, learning new things and meeting new people, creating connections here and there, but slowly, I find myself living in an almost predictable lifestyle where I study, I talk to my friends, I party, I do nothing for awhile and repeat.
Also, I wasn’t meeting many people who were “living”, you know, like in their own house, working on their ideas and goals, going to social events, art events …etc or just going on an adventure. I think what I mean is, in my gap year, I was used to be surrounded by adults who are in their mid 20s to their mid 30s achieving and working towards crazy awesome goals for the better of the world. I was in the start-up and tech industry. Before that, I was travelling, so I get to meet various different people, and see their life, see them living. In Japan, it was a unique school with students coming from almost 50 countries, all bringing a piece of their life to share with you. Here, people are comfortable, there are strong inclination for routines and stability (they are desirable of course) but that meant a lot of “How was your day?” “Good, the weather’s cold, there’s a lot of work….etc”
I was surrounded by peers who just came out of high school, and mostly homogeneous white US students who are just starting to discover their independence and adulthood. I was existing on a different level of frequency. I wasn’t worried about discovering who I was, I wasn’t worried about establishing myself e.g do well in academics, make friends, gain valuable internship or volunteer experience…etc. I had the time to do all that in my gap year and more. In fact, let me share with you this thought during the gap year:
I didn’t not want to come to college. I spent a lot of time developing meaningful connections back home and college felt like a waste of time. In other words, now that I realized, I was scared to be nothing other than “extraordinary” and “wow, you’ve done so much and you’re so mature for your age.” I was extraordinary, life was unpredictable, and loose. I was scared to be ordinary, to be someone who develops stable routines and lives a stable life.
Do you see the irony?! I was afraid to GROW UP, and to SETTLE at a place. Now I realized that I thought I was an adult when I was travelling, working in the start up industry and doing all the exciting stuff. Yeah, I was independent but apart of being an adult is to learn how to have routines, to be stable, and to be able to grow in that environment.
I didn’t realize that before writing this and I was losing my head over it all. I felt like I wasn’t growing because I was staying in one place, lagging behind in life as other people advance forward in their careers in the world, developing their connections and making a difference in their community. Meanwhile, I’m at a college of a few thousands students, isolated from the hustling bustling of the real world, submitting one of my many assignments for classes.
I talked to a friend who was graduating soon, which meant he was more involved in projects, internships, job interviews, and creating a future for himself…what I basically used to do prior coming to college. I told him I felt incompetent like I’m suppose to be doing a meaningful project, making connections with people I can collaborate with and gain real life experiences yet, I’m doing homework, assignments and my response to “how was your day?” was “online classes are great!” and not “I’m working on a transformational project that’s going to make education better in Cambodia”. Get it?
I am not comfortable within the comforts and safety of a college student who has time in her hand. What for? I couldn’t justify the time I have and felt so incompetent, helpless and useless. I was not “extraordinary” anymore, I was ordinary, like any other college students (although, I have to stress that I was still in a very different head space). To all this, my friend said, “Lita, you have time, time to sit still just for a moment. You’ve been on and on and on, have you ever thought maybe you need to learn how to stay still? Here, you will have time to develop good habits, to learn and think deeply, refine your skiles -you’re not perfect, and now you can better yourself in ways you couldn’t because you had to be “so mature than your age.”. Really, being mature is also being able to sit still, be stable and be okay with long periods of predictability, So please, take this time and utilize it.”
Then, it hit me. This IS what I need. I’ve been so busy trying to “grow” that there was no room for me to … “grow”.
Okay, bear with me — imagine trying to make the best (and the best in this case, refers to the thinnest crispiest crust) pizza ever. You are trying to stretch the dough and the bigger your dough stretches, the better but also there might be holes, because you’re stretching too quickly. It’s something like that.
I was growing so quickly in one direction, I didn’t think about the other direction. I was living a fast-pace life, dipping my toes in and out all the time but how about the slow way? how about sitting my ass down and working towards something that takes a longer time? I didn’t even think of that. So, here’s time…time to be patient, to navigate my emotions, to deal with my insecurities and ironically, time to create something even more extraordinary with yourself.
So, whoever’s facing a similar problem — there are many ways to grow, some are short-term and those are more common. The longer ways are even more satisfying and life-changing once you achieve it. So, if you are restless, if you can’t wait to start your life, remember, you can rush it or… you can take you time to be patient, to grow into yourself, becoming more resilient, stronger and smarter. All of this..IS apart of living, of being alive.
In fact, you rarely get a chance to do it as intensively as when you’re in college. Literally, you’re in an institution designed to make sure you have that time and space. Last but not least, if it is all too overwhelming or too complicated to keep in mind. Here’s a sentence or two:
Be an optimistic opportunist. If you find yourself in one of the top liberal arts in the US, take what it can offer as one of the best institutions in the country and make the best out of it but if you’re on a farm with plenty of seeds and free land…start planting. Either way, trust yourself to know what’s best for you, and take it from there.
That’s it for now!
xoxo, Lita
